First, I would like to give God ALL the glory for this (my) testimony! And, I want to clearly state that my intentions are not to glorify any sin, but to give all credit for my restoration, deliverance, salvation, and second chance at life to the One, the only One who has the power to offer the free gift of eternal life! I also want to express my extreme gratitude for me not getting what I deserved, which was death, the wages of sin.
I gave my testimony at an event we just had at our church, Fabulous Fifties Family Fun Night! It was such a great time! I loved dressing up the family and rockin’ 1950’s style! I was asked to give my testimony and as I sat down to write it, it poured out of me! It brought back so many different emotions, even smells, that I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. I was actually a little angry that those feelings were stirred up again. But then, I had to pause and realize that instead of being angry for remembering in such detail the very things I so desperately wanted to forever forget, I should be thankful for what God has done for me, in me, and through me. And, I was suddenly saturated in an overwhelming joy and appreciation! I could not imagine what my life would like now if God had not rescued me out the pit of darkness that I was so deeply in!
I also realized that my testimony was LONG, full of lots of details. Then, my husband told me I had to get it down to three minutes! I was kind of stressing at that point, I did it, but had to cut a lot out. I am going to try to give you a version somewhere in the middle. My hope is to someday write the long version as an e-book. Without further ado….
I didn’t necessarily grow up in the church, but I did get the urge to seek God on my own, independent from my family, from time to time. I remember when I was about 9 years old, we lived in marine corps housing in a very small town in northern California along the Nevada border, called Coleville. The housing development was shaped like a bowl, with a community center down in the middle. Church was held in that center every Sunday, and I would wake up, take my bible, and walk down there to attend. That didn’t last long as my parents soon separated, and I moved back to Arizona with my mom. Unfortunately, I left my relationship with God back at that community center.
When I was 15, a friend invited me to her church and I considered that an opportunity to get things back on track. It did for a while, as I became very involved in the youth group and even went forward to receive Christ as my Savior. Things got weird in that church, and I just kinda let life drown out my desire for God again. At 17, my life took a really dark turn when I had a massive psychotic episode and spent the second half of my junior year in Palo Verde mental hospital. Everyone was sure I was hyped up on heavy narcotics when I was able to fight off several grown men including my grandfather, a former marine, my uncle, a few cops, and a few paramedics. But, at this point in my life, I didn’t do any drugs. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar with schizoaffective disorder the next year, after a couple more episodes.
I wasn’t seeking God during this period of my life, but I definitely was searching for something to fill the emptiness I was ALWAYS feeling! When I was alone with my thoughts, it was literally torment. There was no hope, I didn’t have a purpose, nobody cared about me, because I WAS A NOBODY. I was just the crazy girl that everyone had to babysit and make sure she took her 5,000 pills a day so she didn’t freak out. But man, those pills just made me a zombie! I don’t know which version of myself was worse, the crazy girl or the robot. They were BOTH a hot mess for sure!
I started self medicating with heavy drugs and that just prompted another several years of psych ward stays and more drug use. It was a vicious cycle. It all came to a climax, if you will, when at 22, I got fired from a job, and decided to ingest a large amount of cocaine one night at a bar. This was NOT a suicide attempt, I just wanted to escape the rejection that I was so used to feeling. The last I remember was playing pool with some “friends” and then I woke up in ICU a few days later. When I came to, the nurse said “someone sure wants you here because you died in the ambulance and they had to shock you back to life.” I was confused because it only seemed like a split second had passed, but it had been THREE DAYS! My mom said that when she got to the hospital I was so swollen she didn’t even recognize me. And that there was a chaplain in the room reading my last rights. Like, they were sure I was a goner. It was bad.
You would think that would have been my rock bottom, right?! That I would have realized the error of my ways and decided to make a positive life change. I mean, I died. That should have shook me up a bit. But nope, it didn’t. I went right back to the drugs and psych ward cycle. I actually met my ex husband in the mentally ill holding room of a hospital emergency room. Ladies, piece of advice, DO NOT play ‘mental ward mingle!’ It wont last. I should have known that relationship would end up in darkness and despair. Actually, the whole relationship WAS darkness and despair. The ONLY good thing that came out of that train wreck was my beautiful daughter, Justyce! When we were finally able to escape, and I mean we left in the middle of the night with the clothes on our backs kind of escape, I STILL didn’t get it!!My stubbornness and unrepentant heart was storing up wrath for me. (Romans 2:5) I didn’t even understand what I was doing by choosing not to change my direction. I continued to use drugs and relationships as means of fulfillment, but it NEVER worked!
My mom was living with my daughter and I and one day she was walking through a parking lot of a strip mall that happened to have a church in it. The same church we currently attend, but at the former location. The worship team was practicing and my mom heard the music coming out of the door. It must have really touched her because when she walked through the door she was like “Angela, we HAVE TO GO to this church!” I was recovery from my previous nights hangover and just gave her a grunt like “yeah, no. But thanks.” In my mind, I was living my best life. I was single, doing my thang, you know what I’m saying? I didn’t want to ‘mess all that up’ by going to church. My thinking was so backwards then.
But, I did decide to go the following Sunday because I wanted my daughter to have a better relationship with God than I ever did. It was that Sunday morning that I rededicated my life to Jesus. I realized in that moment, that there was NOTHING this world could offer me that could compare, or even come close to the peace and comfort I felt filling that empty place inside me! I finally stopped running, and surrendered to the One, the only One that could fill that void! I was never the same again! Jesus has COMPLETELY delivered me from mental illness and drug addiction!
God is so, SO good! And, He doesn’t play favorites. Except for with me, I’m His favorite. Lol, JK. But seriously, if He did it for me, He will do it for you! All you have to do is receive the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ! The bible says in Romans 10:9 that if you confess with your mouth, and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord, you will be saved! That’s a great promise!
I hope my testimony blessed you! It sure has blessed me! To know what God has brought me out of, warms my heart every day! I just wish I would have surrendered WAY earlier than I did. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I am beyond blessed with the life I currently live! I am married to the man of my dreams. I know that sounds so cliché, but right when rededicated my life, I made a list of traits I wanted in my future husband that I was trusting God for. The man I am married to has EVERY SINGLE one of those traits, PLUS he can sing like an angel! We had seven more beautiful children together, and now have a grandbaby! Our house and our hearts are so full! And I owe it ALL to my beautiful Savior, Jesus Christ! Until next time, Beloved….
BE BLESSED!!!
